im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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