Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
