I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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