Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
