He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
