My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
