The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
