I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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