This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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