Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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