She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize