Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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