Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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