sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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