RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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