You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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