so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
