im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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