I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
