I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
