her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
