Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
