i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
