just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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