what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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