My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
my liver is dry heaving
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
