You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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