I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
