I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His hands were made for my vagina.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
