I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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