The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
