so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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