Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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