I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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