I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
