Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
