Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
