Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
