"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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