i permit you to call me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
