On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
