Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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