Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I stole a fireplace last night.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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