I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
