I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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