the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
