You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
