Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
