Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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