Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
