Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
