Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
