Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
