very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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