im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
