We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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