Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize