This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
being pregnant is like rehab
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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