I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
