My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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