first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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