we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
