Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I just put wine in my tea
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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